Another Day About Me

When we moved to Kansas City we lived with one of my mother’s sisters and her husband….Aunt Jay and Uncle Tony. It was in the middle of the school year and I was thrown into the second grade at a catholic school down the road from their home. I could not speak the language and was totally lost. I remember a friend named Mimi who would work on my abc’s during recess. I was held back that year and repeated the second grade. The next year, once I picked up the English language school became better for me.

My mother went to work as a sylist and it became her social outlet too. She would drop me at school and my Aunt would pick me up. my brother I have no memories of him back at that time except to feel that there was trouble. I know that he had to be struggling more then me.

On the weekends and in the summer I would work at the City Market. When my grandfather was alive he ran his produce and horseradish bottling business there and when he died my Aunt Jay and her husband took it over. My grandfather was well known for his horseradish and was dubbed the Horseradish King…was even doing radio sopts I’ve been told. I never Met my grandfather. I have fond memories of the market.

We only lived with my Aunt for about six months and then we moved into an apartment my mother found. Once we moved I was then dropped off at my grandmothers house for her to get me off to school and take care of me after school and on weekends and in the summer. My grandmother had a tremendous hand in raising me. She is the first person who gave me unconditional love.

The story is long and many things happened along the way. My mother’s suicide attempt. My brother’s troubles and before I knew it he was in Vietnam and it was just my mother and me. I took on the roll of mother and caregiver and she worked to support us.

When I was 13 my father gets released from prison. Please know that there had been countless attempts to get him out. We were even approached by a man from the Mexican Embassy who my mother paid $5000.00 to because he was going to get him out. Turns out he was a janitor at the Embassy who got names of families with loved ones in prison. Letters to Senators and Congressmen and the President and his wife and so on and so on. So back to being 13 and my father is released. Now we are in the car on the way to the airport to pick my father up. Imagine the years of no dad and then in a blink of an eye this man is home who you have no memory of and who last saw you when you were three years old. Now we are riding home with him in tow and I am beaming because I now have a dad and I now have a dad like everyone else at school and I don’t feel like an odd peg.

He was not home long when my hell began. I guess my dad didn’t see me as his little girl or he was so screwed up or he was always a molester…I am an incest survivor. I didn’t tell untill 3 months before I graduated high school. I kept the secret because I didn’t want to hurt anyone and they had waited so long for him to come home.

Folks I will close this chapter tomorrow because right now my head hurts!

A Step Back

I’m not talking about us today. I’m stepping back to live me again in hopes of finding more clarity. As most of us I had a screwed up childhood. My mother was Italian, my father Cuban. They met in Kansas City when he came over to the University. He was going to be a dentist. I think my mom was on the rebound. Something I must of picked up on in one of her weak moments because otherwise I don’t know why I think that! Anyway, they met…don’t have details but a couple months later they eloped. My grandmother was outraged. She locked my mother out of the house. My mother stood outside begging for grandma to let her in. You see back then being Italian and marrying a non Italian was a sin and on top of it he was Cuban! But as the story goes my grandmother let my mom back in after some penitence. Don’t know how long after they were married they went to live in Cuba but not long. Don’t know why my dad didn’t become a dentist but he didn’t. So off to Cuba they go. Back to his homeland and family. My mother left all she knew for him. Hell she didn’t even know the language. You think my grandmother ever forgave her? No way!!

An so the story goes. My father became President/Manager of BOAC Airways. My mother she had gone to Beauty School in Kansas City so she took up doing hair. That was her social life because she did not need to work. She learned Spanish that way too.

When she got pregnant with my brother she came back to Kansas City to have him. I think their had been some miscarriages and I know an abortion. I know these things not because I was told but I overheard conversations…or at least these are the memories I bring forward. I was born a little over nine years after my brother. I don’t know why I wasn’t aborted. Why she chose this pregnancy to follow through with I just don’t know but here I am. She didn’t come back to the states to have me. I was born in Cuba. Since my mother was an American citizen I was Naturalized and registered with the American Embassy. I was born in 1955.

If you know anything about history it wasn’t long after I was born that Castro started his take over. When Castro broke relations with the Americans my mother, brother and I were on a plane to Miami where we were to wait for my dad. You see and I don’t know the timeline but my dad in his position in Cuba was approached by the CIA to work against Castro’s revolution. To feed them information. For that my parents where promised by the United States that if anything happened to him we…my mother, brother and I would be taken care of…my mom would receive a financial amount every month.

And so the story goes that we were put on a plane. Everything we owned was left behind. We arrived in Miami with friends and my mom got us set up temporarily while we waited for my dad. While there he came to visit one time. Yep, he came on a little boat. Snuck over for a visit. I have no memory of that. My brother, as the story goes begged him to stay but my dad was not done with his CIA business so he got back on a little boat and went back. Big, big mistake! Someone squealed. They came to our home in Cuba while my dad slept and busted in. Dragged him out and threw him in prison. My father was brought before a Kangaroo court. The man that squealed didn’t show up to testify. The had no evidence except hear say so the 30 years they wanted to slap him with went down to 10 years. You got it! My father was a political prisoner in Cuba for ten years. My mother, brother and I had to begin living our lives in wait of the time he would be released. Now, my brother always was angry at him because he begged him not to go back and my mother she was faced with raising us and really taking on the parent role..you see in Cuba she didn’t really parent or for that matter my father didn’t either. We were raised by our nannies. My mother and father had very privileged lives there.

My mother took us from Miami to Spain where one of my fathers sisters had settled. After six months we were back in Florida and eventually when I was starting second grade we went to live in Kansas City where my grandmother and my mother’s eleven siblings lived. My memories are spotted. I was just an insecure, confused little girl that was hanging on and honing her survival skills.

I will continue this tomorrow…

November

We met on the 6th of November. Thanksgiving was approaching and K and I were hosting the feast at her home. I live with K. She is my bestest friend and my family. Her daughters and grandchildren were coming over and my two sons and girlfriends were going to be there too. Before I invited you I just knew you would be there too. So needless to say I was disappointed when you declined. Of course I never showed it. You were taking the couple next door to dinner. You were at that time very close to her..called her mother…now her husband was a different story. You and him were oil and vinegar. He was just a thorn in your side. So anyway Thanksgiving we were at different places. Me I couldn’t wait to eat, clean up and high tail it over to you.

My goal became the same everyday. Get to the end of the day so I could come see you. I always drove over to your house. You never picked me up or made the effort to meet my friends. You never met K but you put her down typing her as a player. My other girlfriend fell into the same category too. I was having a hard time getting a handle on you. I chalked it up to you never being married, never having children and as far as I knew you never really had a long lasting relationship. The past was something we didn’t talk about. You made that clear that you did not want to know about mine. You were the jealous type so leave the past in the past. No problem except it’s hard to really know someone if you don’t know some details. I was married previously, there were grown children..that was enough. You would get to know the children but I shouldn’t expect you to be a substitute dad. If you wanted to do for them you would but I should not expect that from you. No problem I had no expectations except we would all get along. The fact is that was the furthest from what our lives would be.

Red Flag

Sunday I was invited back. The plan was to meet after you were done playing golf. Like clockwork four hours after your golf game started you called for me to head over. I was out that door in a flash. We cooked dinner, ate, talked and then went into the living room where we sat by the fireplace. You kissed me that night. You touched me that night. I gave myself to you that night. That moment everything I thought I knew went out the door. Never had a man reached and touched me to the core of my being. There was such a connection between us it was electrifying. It was hard leaving that night. I was so into you I never wanted to leave your side. I was addicted. Funny thing as I look back the first month of our relationship I went home every night. You never invited me to spend the night. Was that something I should of paid attention to? Maybe it was an insight into you but at that point I was sooooo happy and I was wearing rose colored glasses.

Warning: what is it with us women when we begin a relationship and are so smitten that when the red flag waves we ignore it? I mean to to tell you the red flag could be smacking the hell out of us and we just proceed down the road.

First red flag: You called me Monday to make dinner plans. I told you J (my son) and I were meeting a gentleman for lunch we were trying to make a connection with for future work and then I was walking with K so I would be available after 5. You said okay you would call when you got done with golf for me to come over. I got done walking. I showered, dressed and went into the waiting mode. By 6 I was checking my phone to make sure it was working. By 6:30 I knew something was up but I went into denial. By 7…I’m no dummy I knew I was being stood up or you had died on the golf course. K urged me to call you. I did not once but twice and left a message. I went to bed that night numb.

The next day I got an email from you saying that you needed a woman that was simple and that American women are into games. To make a long story short you were ticked that J and I had lunch with this guy and that I now had been categorized as a player. Man were you totally off base. As you were slapping me down you also were building me up telling me how you had not ever met a woman with such honest eyes and how you had enjoyed our moments together and how you thought you had found someone. I went on the defense arguing my case hoping to be found innocent and back into your good graces. WTF I should of said see ya!! That’s what I should of done according to so called sane people but oh no not me because you see I was really already deeply in love. After a couple of days with back and forth emails…which I know now you must of been enjoying I was let back in.

Saturday Evening

Our first meeting was Thursday night. How could I forget!! You gave up watching Survivor to meet me!! Friday night I had plans with my girlfriend K to go listen to music so our next date was to be Saturday. Oh lord I was so excited. I was like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. I remember coming home that Thursday night and telling K that I was in trouble. I had never felt this way about a man and I had just met you. Boy did I have to get a grip and get myself back to reality.

You invited me to dinner at your home for our Saturday night date. You also, invited the couple next door. You made your Hawaiian specialties. Dinner was awesome and you had us all laughing and entertained. Great host!!

After the neighbors left we went into the living room and you turned on the kareok machine and sang to me. You sang Elvis songs and if I closed my eyes I could of sworn it was him. Everything was perfect. I was beaming inside and out so thankful to the man upstairs for bringing you into my life’s path. So far I was the Cinderella that had found her slipper! You were the Prince I thought would never come!

From The Beginning

Can you believe it took us 3 months to finally agree to meet? Not like our mutual friend didn’t try numerous times to set us up. I have to say her introduction via email was very smart. Didn’t take us long to meet after that. I believe we met for dinner two nights later. Your emails captivated me.

I got to the restaurant before you and I waited at the bar. You made sure the owner took care of me and then I felt your presence. I turned and there you were and as corny as the quote goes that you had me at hello…you did! We got to our table and I was engrossed in our conversation. I felt like we had just sat down when I realized the restaurant was closing and four hours had passed. That night I saw my life, my future in your eyes. I couldn’t wait to see you again. I was intoxicated by you.

Suns Out

Woke up three hours before the alarm went off. These days I lay awake hours before the sun rises. It’s my alone time from the world where I get to be with you as my heart and soul recalls our moments in life. I couldn’t wait for mornings when we were together. What would the day bring us? How much laughter would we experience? I was so appreciative of what we had. I felt blessed. I wished you could of put your demons aside.